Doodling thoughts

Hello everyone.  How are you?

Today, I questioned my morals and how I stood against the world.  After several minutes of thinking, I came to a blank.  It is a bit alarming in a sense, because I proclaim to be a Christian, and yet, if I do not know where my moral guidelines are, that is something that needs to be seriously considered.

And another thing – I have realized that I have become comfortable.  This is good and bad in many ways.  It is good, because I have accepted my character, my surroundings, my place in the world, and what I must do from here on out.

It is bad because it lacks the drive for change, for improvement, and allows me to be complacent and lazy.  I used to be completely convinced that I had to change everything about myself, but then I realized that I actually like some aspects of who I am.  No longer do I feel extremely tormented that I do not look like the usual skinny, petite Asian girl.  I had such a complex about my body during high school that I wore guys shirts and hooded sweaters every single day.  Even when it was a roasting 90 degrees outside.  I felt completely inferior, and I figured that I wasn’t pretty nor skinny enough to date anyone. So I didn’t.  I charged the opposite way instead, and became one of the guys.  I also figured that my mom would be completely against me dating anyone in high school as well but it turns out that I was very wrong about this.

My low self-esteem from back then has left some lasting scars on me, but it doesn’t torment like it used to.    I still have a hard time acknowledging the fact that I am a girl, but at least I know how to dress up a little better now.

Now I’m a 4th year in college, and holy crap, I’ve turned into an introvert.  I prefer staying at home rather than going to parties.  I don’t know how to act at parties.  I don’t know how to interact with people who like to go to clubs, smoke, and do beer pong until three in the morning.  I used to love crowds, but now I find them too noisy.  I like being on my own and collecting my thoughts, doodling away, and content with the little bit of space that I take up.  Does it sound pathetic?  Perhaps.  But I’m happy this way.

I wonder.  How will my character change from this point on?